Counting my way to an eating disorder

By Hope Daluisio
February 15, 2018

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Editor’s Note: Language and description in this article may trigger those who are or have been affected by an eating disorder. Eating disorders affect each person differently. This is just one story.

Photo illustration by Hope Daluisio.

Calorie counting apps trigger eating disorders

With a new year comes New Year’s resolutions. Many people vow to stay healthy, get fit and possibly lose weight in the upcoming year.

According to Statistics, losing weight or getting in shape is 45 percent of Americans’ 2018 resolutions. Though 45 percent of the population creates such high expectations for themselves, only eight percent overall achieve their New Year’s resolution.

Every January, we are bombarded with health and fitness ads and stories of people who have lost huge amounts of weight. Even if we don’t really need to lose weight, society pushes it on us so much that we, especially young people, feel as if it’s necessary and could fall into dangerous habits.

The National Eating Disorders Association reports that 35 percent of “normal dieters” progress to pathological dieting and that 20-25 percent of those individuals develop eating disorders. Dieting can be a precursor to an eating disorder due to the obsession of modering food consumption. Calorie counting apps are becoming more popular in the dieting world but potentially create more danger by promoting this obsession.

So how does that eight percent successfully achieve their New Year’s resolution? I asked myself that same question New Year’s Eve 2015. I finally wanted to be a part of that eight percent and I would do anything to achieve it.

New year, new me

Still a senior in high school, I got a membership to Retro Fitness, a gym just down the street to my school. I had just purchased my very first car, so it made transportation to the gym much easier. For about a month, through all types of weather, I drove myself to the gym every single day, staying a little longer and pushing a little harder every time.

It came to a point where I was not seeing the results I wanted and was extremely unsatisfied with my body. Things were also starting to pick up at school and I had less and less time to go to the gym, but that did not stop me. I wanted to be as thin as possible. The thought of not being able to look like one of those models you see in a dress magazine by the time of my prom was unacceptable.

At that moment, with one tap of my phone, I made the most damaging decision of my life: I downloaded My Fitness Pal, a calorie counting app. Keep in mind at this time in my life, I was already slim and at a very healthy weight and consuming any less calories than my normal intake would cause damage to my body. Apps like this are intended to be used by people who are overweight and need to track their weight loss, or for athletes who track their workouts, not for people like me.

Photo illustration by Hope Daluisio.

Calorie counting crisis

Like many eating disorder recoverers, I do not remember when it started or how quickly it evolved, but somehow, I became obsessed with food. Every single thing that I ate and every single workout I did was logged into that app.

The app’s main feature is goal setting. You can add a goal weight and how long you want to take to achieve that number. Once that is filled out, the homepage will then have the number of calories you can consume that day in order to reach your goal. Underneath that number is where you log your food. Workouts can also be added to add on to the calories you can eat that day and still achieve your goal.

This was my first ever structured diet. I grew up in a home where I had a lot of food freedom. I cooked most of my own meals from a young age and was taught healthy recipes. But this app created a completely new mindset for me. I wanted to look a certain way by the end of my senior year and this app seemed like the only answer at the time.

If I went go over the amount of calories suggested for that day in the app, the numbers and wheel turned red. Red is a color associated with bad or incorrect and that’s exactly how I took it. I would feel absolutely terrible if I went even one calorie over the suggested amount.

As the end of senior year dwindled down, so did my “daily calorie intake suggestion.” There was a very long period of my life where I had that app letting me eat only 950 calories per day and the app said nothing to stop me.

I would not allow my family to cook for me, I stopped eating out at restaurants that weren’t on the app, I did not hang out with my friend in fear that we’d be socially eating, my menstrual cycle stopped and I lost all interest in the hobbies I use to love daily. My only thoughts were wake up, log meals, workout and go to sleep.

Photo illustration by Hope Daluisio.

Facing the fear of food

An eating disorder is so easy to hide, especially when you were as independent as I was those years.

It came to the point where I cracked and would sneak downstairs at night to binge and purge and no one heard a peep.

So with that, my app, my obsession and my extremely unhealthy body and mind went on to go to prom, say a speech at my high school graduation, celebrate my senior recognition for swim team, go to senior week and move into college thinking nothing I was doing was wrong.

My freshman year roommate would always bring back baked goods when she came back to our room after being home for a weekend. Naturally, no matter how good they looked, I would decline the offer because that would make the numbers on my app go red or would trigger me to purge.

It was around Christmas time when she brought back her mom’s homemade brownies. With our friends in our room, she offered me one and, of course I declined, but it was her response that stuck with me so hard: “Hope never accepts my sweets. She hates me!” she joked as her and our friends enjoyed the treat.

Three years later, that response still sticks with me. One simple joke made me question everything. In that moment, I thought, “Is all of this really worth it?”

Those were supposed to be the best years of my life and I was sitting on the sidelines because I was too lightheaded to get up and too busy measuring out exactly two tablespoons of fat free creamer for my morning coffee to log as my breakfast in my app.

Eating disorders are much more than just eating a certain way. Your brain gets completely rewired.

At this moment in my life, I couldn’t even remember what life was like when I ate freely and all my thoughts weren’t consumed with where, when, how and what I was going to eat that day and how I would be able to log it in my app. It is hard to break that restrictive mindset when your calorie counting app sends you notifications every other hour reminding you to “log your process.”

Recovery only can occur if you decide you want to get better.

I was finally sick of sleeping away the hunger pains and going home every weekend so I could binge and purge without fear of someone in the dorms finding me. So by deciding to move out of the dorms my second semester freshman year, I had a new New Year’s resolution: I was going to destroy my corrupt relationship with food and learn to live without the app.

Learning to live without logging

The very first thing my dietician said to me when I started my recovery journey was to delete the app. I was not the first patient she had that has been so harmfully affected by calorie counting apps, such as My Fitness Pal.

Learning to eat without this app felt like a baby learning how to walk: it was extremely difficult.

At first, my purging became worse and I never felt so out of control of my own body, but with the support of the people I surrounded myself with, each day got a little better. Distraction became key, and fulling embracing myself in my passions that I once loved to do everyday helped me take my mind of the constant urge to log every consumption.

As long as you have a balanced diet of wholesome foods, your body will be satisfied. You don’t need to constantly be counting calories and macronutrients.

Recovery was long, ugly and I still deal with its effects three years later; however, facing your fears and gaining control of your body again is the most satisfying feeling.  

Calorie counting apps are not a death sentence and will work effectively for some people if used correctly. For my case, I had so much more going on that the app was just the cherry on top that sealed my fate.

Now I can proudly say that I am no longer affected by the wraiths of an eating disorder; however, that is not the case for 8 million other Americans. All the pain and anxiety of recovery is completely worth it.

Do not let the media or an app destroy your beautiful body and mind.

If you or a loved one is battling an eating disorder I encourage you to contact the National Eating Disorder Helpline or a loved one to receive support.

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Hope Daluisio

Loquitur Media Visual Managing Editor 2017-2018 // Cabrini University '19 // Photographer & Videographer

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