One girl’s battle against cyberbullying stresses fighting stigmas

By Emma Rodner-Tims
May 3, 2018

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Everyone says that high school can be some of the best four-years of your life.

They say that you walk away from graduation with friends for life and memories to look back on for years.

But, what Emily Torchiana walked away with was social anxiety, depression and the lifelong effects of her post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The Beginning

In 2009, Torchiana started high school at an private, all-girls school outside of Philadelphia. She looked forward to what was yet to come over the next four years.

Emily Torchiana, now 23,  has come a long way, since her high school days. Photo from Facebook.

But she had no idea what was really in store; she had no idea how many nights she would cry herself to sleep or how many times a “friend” would betray her online.

Within the first few weeks of school, Torchiana became the victim of severe cyberbullying.

“It was an anonymous Facebook profile my freshman year. I had an idea of who started it, but I wasn’t positive. It was these people writing stuff like, ‘Emily is a slut,’ ‘Emily is sleeping around with these people,’ and I had literally kissed one boy at this time, so it was coming out of nowhere. I was really confused. And it all started because I got involved with the wrong friend group,” Torchiana said.

Behind the doors of her bedroom, Torchiana would watch the notifications pop-up on her phone of people, strangers and friends alike, posting in the Facebook group, saying things they had no right to say.

“It started as a way to get me out of the group, and I don’t think they intended for it to get as big as it did. But, then strangers became friends with it, and people were liking, commenting and messaging me stuff like, ‘You’re so ugly,’ ‘You should go kill yourself’ and really terrible things from people that I didn’t even know,” Torchiana remembered.

She dealt with this torture silently for years.

Her Breaking Point

By her sophomore year of high school, Torchiana’s life became inundated with hate.

Constantly being told how ugly she was, how slutty she was, Torchiana lived a life where she felt she was not good enough— she was not worthy of life.

With the endless notifications and posts came depression.

“It [the depression] was filling me with these thoughts like, ‘No one loves you,’ ‘It would be better if you were dead.’ It was really isolating and really numb,” Torchiana said. “It made me feel really alone.”

Life was so unbearable for Torchiana that she only saw one solution: suicide.

Upon arriving in her upstairs bathroom, Torchiana tried to kill herself by overdosing on pills.

Trying to get the painkillers to literally kill the pain, Torchiana  attempted to take her own life once, and contemplated it many more times, following her attempt.

Every year, nearly 38,000 Americans people die by suicide.

Feb. 26, 2011, the same day Emily’s old brother walked in after her suicide attempt, Emily was admiring the strength of her friend who lost her life to cancer the same day. Photo from Facebook.

One closed door kept Torchiana from becoming a statistic.

 

 

“My older brother [Gregory] actually walked in after my suicide attempt, and it was kind of the first time I realized that I did have a support system,” Torchiana said. “I wasn’t thinking about the fact that my family cared about me or my friends that I had from grade school or family friends that cared about me.”

Moving Forward

When Torchiana’s brother interrupted her attempt at suicide, things started to turn around.

She began seeing a guidance counselor at her high school and a therapist.

Torchiana battled for the rest of high school.

After graduating, Torchiana experienced “suicide ideation,” which means contemplating to attempt again. This then led to her being hospitalized, so that she could keep moving forward.

Emily Torchiana  and her older brother Gregory Torchiana at her college graduation in May 2017. Photo from Facebook

“I was in the hospital surrounded by kids that had anorexia, depression, bipolar disorder and these other things. Even though we had different illnesses, we had this common thread of feeling alone,” Torchiana said. “And that actually made me feel less alone, by seeing other people were struggling with different things.”

Not only did Torchiana have to cope with her mental illnesses, but so did the people in her life.

“It took my mom especially a really long time to come to terms with that it wasn’t her fault,” Torchiana said. “It wasn’t the fact that I had a mental illness or that I had attempted suicide; it was more so she felt like it was her fault that she didn’t do more.”

“Sometimes it felt like people were walking on eggshells around me. I felt like people were worried that I was just going to snap or something, and if they said anything that could offend me or upset me, they’d think, ‘Oh no, she’s gonna go kill herself,’ and that definitely wasn’t how I was,” Torchiana said. “I think, unfortunately, that’s the mental health stigma. If you say you have mental illness or you have attempted suicide, it can make people worry, which is obviously okay, but sometimes people [deal] with it in the wrong way, with not wanting to say anything wrong that could offend you rather than talking to you like they used to.”

“But, I felt like my closest friends and family were comfortable opening up to me because they knew that I understood depression and everything. So, they were more comfortable coming to me about this,” Torchiana said.

Freshman Year of College

A few weeks after her hospitalization, Torchiana was supposed to attend the College of Charleston. Despite her experience during and after high school, Torchiana did not want her mental illnesses to prevent her going to the college, which many refer to as the second set of  best years of your life.

“The only reason my parents were letting me go to College of Charleston was because I was letting them know that it’s so far away from home and I could kind of start over. And so they were kind of hoping for the best because leaving the hospital, they were unsure about me going to college,” Torchiana said. “I went down to College of Charleston, and I made it a mission to not let anybody know that I struggled with mental illnesses or that I was in insecure or shy or anything. I masked everything.”

Torchiana did everything a “normal” college freshman would do; she joined a sorority, became involved with several clubs on campus and went out with her friends.

Not only did she do all of that while balancing her schoolwork, but she secretly dealt with her mental health.

“We had therapy on campus for free, and so I would secretly go there once a week,” Torchiana said. “My friends really just thought I had a Wednesday class, but I was going to therapy.”

Therapy helped Torchiana in ways that changed her life forever.

Sophomore Year of College

Going into her sophomore year of college, Torchiana was still able to successfully hide her secret therapist visits from her closest friends.

One week, her therapist suggested that Torchiana participate in an on-campus talk surrounding mental health that was going to be hosted.

After weeks of suggestion, Torchiana finally agreed to speak publicly about her experiences.

Emily Torchiana talked about her journey for the first time publicly at an event held by College of Charleston on Sept. 23, 2015. Photo from Facebook.

“At College of Charleston, there are these emails sent out each week of all these things you can do, and everyone just deletes it no one really reads it. And, I was genuinely hoping that my little talk would be in the middle of this huge email that everyone would just delete,” Torchiana said. “But, the next day, the school had flyers of my headshot on it and a paragraph that was read, ‘Suicide attempt survivor Emily Torchiana is going to share her story of being hospitalized, attempting suicide, having PTSD, depression, social anxiety and being cyberbullied.’ It was sent individually— the flyer and the email— to all the faculty, all 10,000 students and posted on every single building on campus.”

It was then that her journey was revealed to everyone around her.

Even though her closest friends and family supported Torchiana, not everyone in her life was behind her.

“An ex-boyfriend of mine was really unsupportive. I think that was what made me feel so shameful about having a mental illness because when I first gave that talk, where they had that flyer on campus, I shared it on Facebook saying I was sharing about it,” Torchiana said. “He immediately texted me after saying, ‘Why would you ever share about that? That’s so embarrassing. My family follows you on Facebook, why would you do this?’ acting like I was doing something wrong to him by doing that.”

But, having that energy in her life didn’t stop her from spreading her voice.

Going into the talk, Torchiana had no idea what to expect.

Would be people show up?

How many people would show up?

“That day the room was completely filled with people, and I didn’t take that as a compliment to me, but the fact that people wanted to talk about mental health. At the end of the speech, all these different people that I knew like from classes or on the basketball team or in my sorority were saying that they dealt with X, Y and Z mental illnesses, and it made me realize again— like I felt in the hospital— that I wasn’t the only one and there were other people on my campus that had been affected by mental health too,” Torchiana said.

Life After the Talk

After giving that talk on her campus, Torchiana’s life set on a path that she had never imagined.

“It was definitely not overnight,” Torchiana said. “That first talk was my sophomore year and then throughout my sophomore, junior and senior year I was sharing my story at different schools and colleges. Somebody in one of the audiences said, ‘I’d love for you to come to this school’ and I went to that school and then someone else would say, ‘I want you to come to this school.’ So, I organically got more speaking engagements.”

In Sept. of 2016, Torchiana announced her plan for the the Invisible Illnesses on her Facebook page. Photo from Facebook

Almost year after her talk, Torchiana started a project that would change her life forever. Inspired by Humans of New York, she made a post on Facebook asking her friends if they wanted their photo taken and to have their stories be told to create a platform to destroy the stigmas surrounding mental health.

“I was honestly thinking it was only going to last a month,” Torchiana said. “I thought we’d just take some photos of people, share their stories and call it quits after a month. But, I was really taken back of how many people wanted to share their story and every time someone submitted one, we featured it on my blog or instagram, where it started.”

With that first step, The Invisible Illnesses was born. The stories and faces were first being read on Torchiana’s personal Instagram and blog. With every post, someone would message her asking for their stories to be heard too.

As time went on and an influx of people wanted to be heard, Torchiana decided to take the next step to further The Invisible Illnesses.

“After four months on my blog, we had over 150,000 views on the website, and that’s what made me want to take it a step further and not just make it a project but to make it a nonprofit,” Torchiana said.

So in March of 2017, Torchiana filed to become a nonprofit and found a passion and a platform to travel to educate students about mental health and suicide through fun activities, not just lectures.

Light Shines on The Invisibles Illnesses

In Sept. 2016, Emily Torchiana was a recipient of the Jefferson Award, which is “the country’s longest standing and most prestigious award dedicated to activating and celebrating public service.” This award was started by Jackie Kennedy in 1972 and had been previously received by Oprah Winfrey. Photo from Facebook.

Torchiana became the president and founder of her nonprofit organization, The Invisible Illnesses. The organization “features stories from those who have been affected by mental illness or suicide, in hopes of helping someone currently struggling.”

“Right now, we have over 25 campus representatives,” Torchiana said. “There are different universities around the country, and what they do is receive stories on their own campuses and then submit them to us. So that this way it is not just some passive website, and people can actually have someone on their campus going and getting people’s photos and sharing their stories.”

Her team of volunteers, including her boyfriend, aid in marketing, events, organization and fundraising. Torchiana’s day to day tasks include many different responsibilities, such as traveling to speak at events, reaching out to companies to donate and managing social media.

For a while, Torchiana had to juggle the nonprofit along with other paying jobs, including nannying to support herself after graduating college. It was only recently that she is now able to make a living through The Invisible Illnesses and focus on it full-time.

She is even starting to incorporate international stories, including submissions from Indonesia and South Africa.

Mental Health First

Infographic by Emma Rodner-Tims.

Years after her suicide attempts, Torchiana not only has become comfortable talking about her own struggles with mental health, but she  is very passionate about getting others to speak out about their stories as well.

“Suicide is the second leading cause of death on college campuses, and two thirds of college students don’t seek help with mental health issues,” Torchiana said. “I think a lot of the times people don’t feel they are dealing with anything serious enough. They want to talk to someone, but feel as though their issues aren’t big enough to go to therapy. There is really nothing shameful in getting help.”

Both young men and women struggle with mental health and suicide on a daily basis. Many of Torchiana’s talks include breaking the stigma of seeking help being viewed as a weakness.

“A lot of people don’t realize males are also struggling with suicide way more than females are and it is because they don’t want to talk about it,” Torchiana said. “For every four females that die from suicide, fourteen males die by suicide. It is 3.5 times more often that a male would die. Even though there is a stigma of mental health, there is definitely a big stigma with males with seeing them as weak or not masculine.”

Many colleges and universities provide counseling services for their students, but Torchiana finds that just having the services known is not enough.

She suggests that schools should vocalize that seeking help isn’t shameful. Torchiana also believes that students who benefit from their campus services and who are comfortable speaking out should advocate for those services.

“I think with the media, it makes it seem that everyone with a mental illness is violent and crazy and is going to do terrible things to people,” Torchiana said. “But actually, only three to five percent of crimes are done by those with mental illnesses. As a society and a country, we need to stray away from saying that because it just makes the stigma worse and makes people with mental illnesses feel like people are going to think they’re violent or crazy if they identify with having one.”

A Bright Future for The Invisible Illnesses

The stigmas that surround mental health and suicide prevent millions of people from seeking the help that they desperately need. For Torchiana, she was able to survive her suicide attempts and use her struggles as fuel to help others who might be in similar situations.

Ever since Torchiana started her nonprofit, she has received mainly positive and supporting reactions. But she also remembers a time from her sophomore year of college where one of the original people who bullied her started sending her hateful comments again on Facebook and another time through Snapchat her junior year.

“I feel like being 14 in high school. You’re really vulnerable and upset by stuff like that,” Torchiana said. “But by sophomore year of college, even though it sucked, and I still was triggered because of my PTSD. I also was logical enough to be like, ‘This person has too much time on their hands if they are still trying to do this.’ Even to this day, I hope I never see those people again [the core group].”

In her many appearances at schools, Torchiana teaches students not only how to deal with mental illness and suicide but also how to treat people to help prevent it. Through fun activities, she breaks the tension and stigmas surrounding mental illness and gets the students to open up to each other.

“At the time, you think that is your whole world. You think it matters if you’re cool or if people like you,” Torchiana said. “When I got to college, I realized that that didn’t matter and that it is better to have genuine friends then have friends who are ‘popular.’ Looking back, I would tell myself: ‘you’ll be out of high school soon, keep being strong, it’ll be over soon, and you’ll have a much better life after.’”

As Torchiana continues to work through her own mental illnesses, she hopes that others will share their stories too.

She stresses that you never someone else’s story or what is going on their life.

“I wasn’t just dealing with the bullying, I was dealing with my best friend being diagnosed with brain cancer,” Torchiana said. “Someone at home could be dealing with a divorce of their parents or issues with their family and friends. Be aware that everyone has a story and you don’t know what someone is going through, so just be nice to people. It’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to share your story.”

 

1 thought on “One girl’s battle against cyberbullying stresses fighting stigmas”

  1. Harold A Maio

    —- fighting stigmas

    Examine the term “stigma” carefully, it is a hallmark of bullying.

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Emma Rodner-Tims

1 thought on “One girl’s battle against cyberbullying stresses fighting stigmas”

  1. Harold A Maio

    —- fighting stigmas

    Examine the term “stigma” carefully, it is a hallmark of bullying.

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Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

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