This past week, I had to grow up and become an adult real quick.
One of the most difficult choices I had to make was to put my childhood dog down.
I had received news earlier in the week that my chocolate lab Nikki was not doing too well. My parents had decided to bring her to the vet to figure out why her back legs were not working.
What I thought would be an easy fix turned out to be more than that.
There was nothing we could do for her.
My mom called me to tell me that the vet thinks she broke her spine and the vet said we have three options of choices to make.
The first was to hope that a steroid shot they had given her would help heal her back paws. This shot would take a day or two to work.
The second option was to bring her to an orthopedic and see if he can help her.
And the third option— mind you, I refused this option at first— was to put her out of her pain and to put her down.
After my mom said those words, I hung up the phone, looked at my roommate on my bed and just started crying.
For the next two days, I cried non-stop. I cried to my friends, coworkers and to myself.
All I kept doing was praying to god, “Please let these steroids help her. I can’t loose my best friend. She’s been there through the good and bad.”
That night, I couldn’t stay still, I was nervous and had so much anxiety.
My best friend and I decided to go out to dinner and do a little shopping. We ended up being out all night and did not get back until 3 a.m.
I was so tired from crying all day and from shopping that I just passed out and went to sleep.
Not even three hours later, I got a phone call from my mom.
“Beck, when are you coming home?” she asked.
Half asleep, I answered, “In a little while, around 9 a.m.”
“Ok, see you then. Bye.”
At the time, I did not know it, but my mom had been crying all morning.
It was not until 15 minutes later that my phone rang for a second time. I did not know it then, but this phone call would change my life.
This time, it was my sister calling me.
“Beck, did you leave yet? Mom needs you home,” she said.
“No, I told her I’m leaving at 9 a.m. It’s only 6:30.”
I heard my sister pause for the first time ever. She never pauses when she talks to me. The next words that came out of her mouth would break my heart forever.
“Beck, you need to go home. Nikki had a stroke and you need to be there for mom and help her bring her to the vet.”
Those words just shattered my heart into tiny pieces, like a window someone had hit with a bat.
After my sister said that, I could not stop crying.
I jumped out of bed and grabbed my keys, wallet and shoes. I cried from then until I got onto route 78.
When I finally got home, my mom came outside and started crying.
She then told me “Beck, she’s in the living room. You have 15 minutes alone with her.”
I took a deep breath and when I saw her I just bawled. I grabbed a pillow and laid down in front of her and just talked to her.
It was time for her to go to the vet.
When we got to the vet, the tears started coming back. This time, I could not control them. I just let them flow.
As they brought her in, I thought I would be staying in the car with Teddy, my other dog. Little did I know, that was not going to happen.
Instead, they had me be with Nikki. She was on a comfortable blanket just panting and looking up at me.
All the vet technicians would keep saying was:
“You’re helping her.”
“She’s going to a better place.”
“She’s ready to go.”
I knew what they were saying was true, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. I laid on the floor once again watching Nikki pant; giving her kisses and telling her I loved her. All while the technicians prepared to end her life.
They first gave her a sedative that would numb her and relax her. They said it would take 5 to 10 minutes to take affect.
That was when I knew she was getting ready to leave me forever.
I looked her in the eyes and kept repeating the words, “I love you my princess. It’s ok, you can go and be with your brother now. Thank you for making my childhood amazing. You’re free baby girl. Go play over the rainbow bridge.”
Slowly, I watched my childhood dog close her eyes and drift off into peacefulness.
After she left, I cried for another five hours and then I just stopped. I knew that she was in a better place and that she is running around with her brothers.
What I learned that weekend was that being an adult is so hard.
Never had I thought I personally would have to put my dog down.
Looking back now I wish I knew these five things:
One: Do not be ashamed to cry a lot. Crying is good. It means they meant a lot to you.
Two: You are not alone. Your family is going through the same thing, so talk to them. Do not shut them out.
Three: You are not a bad person because you cry harder for your animal than a human. It’s true that dogs are man’s best friend and there is nothing wrong with having a strong bond with an animal.
Four: Everyone grieves at different times. There is no set amount of time to grieve.
And finally, five: Just because your childhood dog is gone, it does not mean your childhood is gon. You have still have the memories surrounding them.
