Waking up every morning became a chore.
Smiling through every day became a chore.
Living a life I didn’t ask for became a chore.
Until one day everything became too heavy for me to bear, that’s when I decided to end it.
From a young age, 3 to 4 years old, I was always very withdrawn and I kept to myself. When my Mom enrolled me in daycare I never spoke to anyone, including my teachers, unless my older brother was there and prompted me to answer. Family members and teachers alike dismissed my behavior saying, “he’s just shy,” or “he just got a lot on his mind,” little did they know how right they were.
A few years later when I was 6 to 8 years old I began to wonder what it would be like if I died and people began to plan my funeral? I started questioning how my families and friends’ lives would change if I never existed or if I just faded away. At this age, my biggest trial or tribulation should have been figuring out basic multiplication, but these thoughts plagued me day in and day out.
When I turned 13 and entered middle school, just like every teenager, I started puberty. The hormones and negative thoughts surging through my body became something I could no longer repress. My thoughts and emotions began rushing to the surface and because I couldn’t understand and deal with I did the best thing I could.
I became a bully. Everything the voices in my head said about me I transferred that hatred, onto anyone around me.
I spewed all the hatred I had for myself at other people in an attempt to rid of myself of this emptiness. Which only made me feel worse. It felt like everything I tried plunged me deeper and deeper into self-loathing. I was so alone.
I had no control of my own life. I was drifting in a void of nothingness and no one saw it
This continued into high school I wasn’t getting any better or worse. I was just frigidly staying stagnate. Until one day the void finally swallowed me and I was ready to end the hurting.
Monday morning, April 15, 2013.
I went through school almost as if it was an out-of-body experience like I was watching myself through a foggy lens. It was the last period of the day and we filled in the auditorium for an assembly on drunk driving. It made sense. It was prom season and it was something we went over every year around this time.
This time, however, it was like all of a sudden, I was coherent again and this sentence rang in my ears just as our principal was saying it.
“Life is so precious; do not take your life for granted.”
At this moment, I was filled with anger. Who was he to tell me how much my life was worth? I did not ask for this life, and everything that came with this existence was just weighing me down. I was tired of everyone telling me how to feel about my life, like being happy was so easy.
“Smile, what do you have to be sad about?”
“Why are you so miserable?”
“You just have to choose to be happy.”
I left school and all I could think about is how everyone was okay with just living a lie and I didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. I got home and all my family was gone so I opened the medicine cabinet and started scrambling for something to stop the thoughts. Motrin, Advil, cough syrup, penicillin, anything I could grab.
I went to sleep expecting to never wake up.
For the first time in a long time I felt something other than negativity, I felt calm.
According to National Institute of Mental Health “The signs leading up to suicide are talking about wanting to die, feeling trapped and empty and then withdrawing from families or friends.”
I think what is most terrifying about anyone being able to actually attempt suicide is that people closes to them don’t know until the last minute. It’s absolutely terrifying that you can be so close to someone and they not be able to be there when you most need them.
It’s also a wakeup call and as corny as this sounds, you come in this world alone and you leave alone. Other people can love you as much as you want but if you don’t love yourself all of that love means nothing.
According to Stages of Life “ During a study conducted in 2015, 95 percent of teens have inferior at some point at some point in their lives due to appearance, intelligence or sexual orientation.”
This isn’t a success story. I haven’t conquered my depression and I still have suicidal thoughts every day. This is a progress story. I want to share my struggle with as many people as possible to normalize mental illnesses. You are never alone. The fear that no one will understand keeps you trapped. As soon as you reach beyond that fear, the healing begins.
My first attempt at suicide was in 2013. I didn’t start seeing a therapist and taking medication for my depression and anxiety until 2018. I’ve attempted to take my life a total of three times. I don’t know why I am here, but I’m trying to figure it out. Stick around and discover with me.
