Editor’s Note: The following article touches on aspects of self-harming.
According to the University of Portland, one in four high school girls intentionally hurt themselves by cutting or burning their skin. In 2017, 41 percent of high school girls reported feeling sad or hopeless almost every day for two or more weeks in a row, according to the Department of Health and Human Services.
It’s crazy to look back and believe that I was a part of those statistics.
When I was in elementary school, I was convinced I was going to be the next Hannah Montana, despite not being able to sing or dance. I dreamt of becoming a rock star, even though I couldn’t play an instrument.
I went to the park every day, rain or shine and laughed as hard as I could with my friends.
Then I became a teenager.
I lost sight of trying to become the next Hannah Montana. I began to become concerned about matching my hair ties to my outfits. My friends got highlights in their hair, then I wanted highlights in my hair. My friends loved going to the mall every day, so I loved going to the mall every day.
Those laughs and trips to the park turned into scrolling through Instagram comparing myself to models, caring about how many likes I got on a picture, and praying to get a Snapchat back. I started to see that many other people were enjoying their life much more than I was.
I would look in the mirror and all I saw was what they had and I didn’t. I started to believe that I was never going to be good enough. I thought I was ugly, I thought my grades weren’t great even though I had A’s. I thought that no matter how hard I tried, I was never going to amount to anything.
Due to the constant sadness and the focus on my insecurities, all I could think about doing was hurting myself and punishing myself. Punishing myself for not being good enough at everyone else’s standards.
I would cut myself as often as I could because I was just that unhappy. I felt that I was constantly being judged for everything I wasn’t doing right. I would become sad with just the drop of a pin.
I started to believe that everything wasn’t going to be okay. I could never see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I started to realize the pressure I was under and all I saw were the negatives. I couldn’t bare to get up in the morning because I hated the way I looked and lacked the energy I needed to get through the day.
When I was a freshman in high school, my dad would constantly pick me up because I couldn’t focus in class and I was having multiple anxiety attacks a day and I was just horribly sad.
One day, I cut really deep and I became terrified. I used to look at hurting myself as not a problem because who cares? But at that moment, I felt horrible about it and realized I needed help.
With the help of my friends and family, I began to get back on my feet and get back to who I used to be. I began seeing a therapist, was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but found ways to work through it.
According to Help Guide, when dealing with depression and anxiety, you want to find the people that support you, not be afraid to talk about your feelings and come up with ideas that would boost your mood, like watching a movie or going on a walk.
I figured out what I actually needed in my life, what friends I wanted to stay around, what I would actually put up with and who I wanted to be as a person. I knew I didn’t want to be the person I was freshman year forever.
To the people hearing this, who might be going through something similar, everything is going to be okay. Take it from me. Take it from the girl who can now wake up in the morning energized, the girl who can smile in the mirror and the girl that can finally see the good in herself.
